I went to DSW with my girlfriend yesterday so she could exchange some shoes and berate the staff. I was left by my lonesome while she went to the ladies room and my mind drifted to Stewie Griffin’s Sinbad impression, “Men be all actin’ like zombies at the mall.” I smiled to myself and was approached by a female associate, “can I help you with anything?” she asked politely.
“YES, YOU CAN!” I nearly belched out. “Can you ask my girlfriend to stop mouth-raping me and do you have these in a size 15?” I grabbed the nearest Nike tennis shoe from the rack. I accomplished three things by this interaction. I let the saleswoman know that I’m in an abusive relationship, I will go down on women and I have a very large wiener. (Nikes are the shoes of large cocks and child labor—classy girls love both and most wear retro Nikes). I thought there was a very good chance I could sneak a harmless fuck in while my boo was in the john.
The only truth to any of the above is that we did go to DSW, and I do go down on my girlfriend, sometimes by force (hers).
Oh, and Nikes are the shoes of fat ass cocks and child labor.
Here is one of my favorite songs that features shoes:
This is off the Cars self-titled debut album. I think it is an unbelievably auspicious 1st release, and in my opinion the best The Cars have to offer. It’s not often that I like a bands debut album the best, but it is the case with this band, but admittedly I have not delved heavily into them. I try to never get too heavy, there is an adult film titled Heavy Into Jeff—and that is the truth. It should be the name of a band.
The Cars is also a pretty good name for a band. I got interested in this album after I heard a demo of this song on the Sirius garage rock station.
The demo version was unpolished and I guess more “garage” than I normally thought of The Cars. The album version is more polished along with all the other tracks, but done in a good way, I think. I just now realized I am talking about The Cars and garages. Should I be a real raw asshole and say pun INTENEDED? I did it and am a little ashamed of myself.
I did find a used copy of this album in near mint condition for only 3 dollars. For some reason I’m a little proud of myself for that.
I’m proud that I thought of the title Heavy Into Jeff for this post.
I’m proud that I don’t wear Nike’s. Then again, I would be proud if I could dunk a basketball on a ten-foot rim and had a big floppy donger, if I could I would probably wear Nikes.
One true one–I’m proud I have such a beautiful girlfriend, nothing really for me to be proud of, she’s the one that’s beautiful.
Listening now I think I like the second side to this album even better than the 1st. It was released in 1978, it may just be my favorite album released that year.
I have a hard time thinking of a better bargain than The Cars for only 3 dollars, except maybe how much I go down on my girlfriend for free.